The Pretty Witch

There was just no getting around it: Hagitha was one ugly witch! It wasn't really her fault. Bad genes, coupled with an unvarying diet of newt eyes, frog bladders, salamander toes, and the occasional wayward child, was bound to do a number on her. Let me add that she was pushing 300 years of age, and 290 of those hadn't exactly been kind to her. One day, as she was stirring her cauldron and thinking up new curses to throw at all and sundry, a message bat flew in her window. Clutched in its claws was a circular announcing a complete makeover (for a mere 50 gold coins) by the local wizard, Albus Byrkficuscuneiform. "Should I?" thought Hagitha. "I mean, not that I really need it or anything, but ..." She glanced at the mirror on her wall (which immediately shrieked and shattered into 123 pieces). "Hmpf! Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt." So saying, she straddled her trusty broom and zoomed toward the wizard's domicile, pausing every so often to curse some poor unfortunate. Hagitha landed her broom and used it to pound on Albus's door. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" said a querulous voice. "Keep your cape on! Oh, it's you." said Albus. "What can I do for you, Hagitha?" Hagitha held out the circular and said, "I'm here for my makeover." "But Hagitha," spluttered Albus, "that was intended for ... someone less ... um ... aesthetically challenged to begin with!" "Whatever," said Hagatha. " You advertised it, and you'd better deliver. Unless, of course, you'd rather I cursed you." Albus gulped and said, "Very well, then. Let's get started." This could take awhile, he thought. Powerful and mystical bolts of eldritch energy speared from his fingertips as he intoned the words of power: "Botoxus!" ; "Liposuctionus!";"Boobus Implantus!"; "Crownus!"; "Veneer-us!"; "Fingerusstraightenus!"; "Haircutusanddyeus!" ; "Nailfilus!"; "Ageusreverus!" He finished with his strongest spell: "Godhelpus!" It took 15 minutes for the arcane residue to quit swirling around the room. When it had, an exhausted Albus just stared. "Well?" asked Hagitha. "Did it work?" "See for yourself," said Albus, holding up a hand mirror. Hmm, thought Hagitha. The mirror didn't shatter; that's a good sign. She moved closer and peered at it intently. "Why ," she gasped, "I'm ... I'm pretty! I can't believe it! I'm actually pretty!" "Indeed you are," said a relieved Albus. "Very pretty, in fact. Now where's my 50 gold coins?" "Uh, yeah," said Hagatha, "about that. I'm afraid I don't have that kind of money. Being a witch doesn't pay all that well, you know." Albus turned a fine shade of purple and shouted, "I demand my 50 gold coins, and I demand them now!" Hagitha didn't like his tone of voice (or his shade of purple), so she reared back and cut loose with her strongest curse - one she'd been saving for a special occasion. Albus was immediately transformed into a green frog. It wasn't a nice thing to do, you might say, but perhaps pretty really only goes skin deep, while ugly goes to the bone! ~ by chalkdawg